Paralysis

I have got to be the most indecisive person I know.

Nothing is more tortuous to me than making the simplest of decisions, especially when there is seemingly no objectively right answer and when that decision will inevitably affect others' lives.

Ask me what I want off the menu? I can decide in a couple seconds. If its nasty, oh well. I'll survive and order something else next time. Ask me what YOU should order off the menu? Well now, that's a whole different kettle of fish (might I suggest the kettle of fish tonight?)

It can literally take me years to make a difficult decision. Like the decision I recently made about whether or not to move into my sister's house. I have agonised over this decision for over three years. Finally the decision is made and I can't tell you how much easier it is to breathe with that burden off me.

Now I'm focussing on three huge decisions I want to make in the near future and they are eating up my consciousness:

1) should I pursue the potential to go away to Ghana for 6 months in June of this year to do legal research work on Domestic Violence for Wildaf Ghana? Saying yes to this opportunity would mean abandoning the teen work at Agincourt, quitting my job with less than 6 months notice at a critical time at the firm, and being away from Toronto when Kevin comes home from Sudan. It also means being away from my family and friends for an extended period of time.

2) should I apply for a year's legal fellowship with International Justice Mission for January of 2014? This would put way less pressure on my firm, but all of the other issues are still there: Kevin, the teen work, my family and friends...

3) should I seriously pursue leaving my job and finding different employment in Toronto more in line with what I feel called to do for God with my career? WAY less people would be affected by this decision than the first two, but it still really pains me to be considering this. My co-workers are like my family. I spend more time with them in total than most anyone else and we're an odd but tight-knit bunch. I hate burning bridges and I loathe disappointing people.

sigh.

I feel quite paralysed.

Especially about option number 1. I'd actually already ruled out option number 1 back in January because it seemed clear that it wasn't God's timing to go. But at the time, I was considering leaving in April and now I'm thinking of seeing if they would allow me to start in June instead. And maybe that is what God had in mind. But maybe it isn't.

But I am increasingly drawn to it the more I pray and think about it. And I am constantly thinking of this passage from Luke (from the Voice translation):

Jesus: You -- I want you to follow Me

Volunteer: I'd be glad to, Teacher, but let me first attend to my father's funeral. 

Jesus: Let the dead bury their dead. I'm giving you a different calling -- to go and proclaim the kingdom of God. 

A different Volunteer: I'll come, Jesus. I'll follow You. But just let me first run home to say good-bye to my family. 

Jesus: Listen, if your hand is on the plow but your eyes are looking backward, then you're not fit for the kingdom of God. 
(Luke 9:59-62)

I can't let my desires, cherished comforts or even my family ties get in the way of going on the mission God has called me to. Now it may be that that mission is to stay in Toronto and proclaim His kingdom here and now. But the more I pray about it, the more I recognize the abject need of people outside the privileged walls of this amazing country, the more I feel as though God is gently pressing His burden (for Haiti) deeper and deeper on my heart and coaxing me to take the preliminary steps I need to take to equip myself with the skills to do His work in that country. I don't know the exact parameters of my mission in life, but like my mom said to me on Tuesday:

Genna, maybe its time you stopped worrying about it and just made a decision.