Excerpt from an e-mail to a friend today about where I am in my prayers and plans about doing the year's fellowship with International Justice Mission (IJM):
[...]
Anyways, thanks for your e-mail. I've been meaning to talk to you again
about those things. Not only because I did want to talk to you more
about the things God's been showing me in that respect since the last
time we talked, but also because I actually have to let my office know
before the end of this month if I actually do intend to go... so things
are heating up!
[...]
So the way things have been going the last few months, I'm
definitely having the impression that God has put this thing on my heart
to do so I'm praying with that in mind. My problem is not knowing
whether God means for me to be planning to go somewhere for life or only
for a shortterm thing, like a year. Things seem to be really lining up
for me to take the year and go, but at the same time, I'm not sure I can
see myself coming back afterwards and defending [medical practitioners] for the rest of my life. I just don't
believe that's what God made me for, [...] I feel like there's got to be something else that I can
do for God with my life. I've dedicated my life to God for his service,
I'm just waiting for the marching orders. If he wants me to be in
Toronto, then that's cool, but I just feel like there's got to be
something else I should be doing with my 40 hours a week of work time
besides pushing papers and earning an income. I know he'll make it clear
in his own time, but in the meantime, it makes it hard to know what to
tell my office about what I'm going to do. I wouldn't feel right telling
them I'll be back at the end of the year if that isn't how things are
gonna roll... so I'm praying about that.
So at this point, I believe God is leading me to take the year
that's been handed to me and do a fellowship with International Justice
Mission. At first I assumed I would be going for life, but the more I
pray about it, the more it seems as though it might just be for the year
with a sort of "stand by for further instructions" sign at the end of
it. My four big hurdles right now are:
1. My family. [...]
2. My roommates. [...]
3. The girls. [Youth Group girls] While I know God can raise up people to take over the
work, I am still quite concerned about what will happen to teen night if
we all scatter. Those girls mean a lot to me and I know teen night
means a lot to them. And they're getting to that age where its really
important to have a safe place to hangout on a Friday night -- let alone a
place to hear the gospel and get saved!
4. My job. While it was truly an amazing answer to prayer for my
bosses to say that they'd consider letting me take a year off if I gave
them a year's notice, who knows whether they'd actually be as agreeable
to the idea in reality as they were in theory. I am still concerned that
if I tell them this month that I plan to be gone from June 2013 to June
2014 that they'll freak out and fire me or something.
So those are the biggest things on my mind right now. I need to
spend more time praying about them. In the meantime, the deadline is
looming (if I go with IJM, the first week of June is the orientation
week that everyone must attend so it would be from June to June).
I can't remember if, when I was talking to you last, I had
definitely decided that IJM was where God was leading me or not, but if
not I guess what I'll say is that while I found it disappointing that
IJM doesn't have an office where I would like to be (i.e. Haiti), I am
really impressed with what I've learned about their model of how they
operate around the world to spread the gospel and bring justice to the
oppressed. I really feel like if the Lord ever leads me to do work in
Haiti, it would be good to have had some hands on experience with how
IJM goes about doing what they do so that I might be able to find a way
to integrate my life for God and my work in a way that glorifies him in
Haiti, Toronto, or elsewhere. I don't know how that would look just yet,
but I'm trusting God to make it clear at the right time.
Hmm... I think that's about it on that subject. Hopefully that gives
you a little bit more to work with as to where I'm at ;) sorry its so
long! I know you just wanted an outline (I can get a little verbose ;)
I would love to talk to you guys more about it sometime, and to tell
you more about Swaziland (which did not go at all as I had planned! I
can't remember how much I already told you about the trip... its been
awhile!)
[...]
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Meandering
This ridiculously long blog entry chronicles the recent happenings in my experience of learning what God's will is for me with regard to the missionfield. I just wanted to record it, not necessarily so anyone would read it :) I highlighted and/or bolded the areas that sorta summarize what I learned and the decision God led me to.
So my housemates and I decided we were going to take a roadtrip out to Fredericton for their 30th annual Bible Conference last weekend. It was a great time filled with God's presence and direction but a confusing time for me overall.
Besides the 15 hours of driving on the way there and a few mishaps that happened here and there throughout the weekend, the first thing that really got to me was a visit to the house of my elderly friend Reg. I used to spend every Saturday night at Reg's house back when I lived in Fredericton. He's got to be the finest octogenarian I know! :) When I talked to him about some of my thoughts on the missionfield and whether God wants me there he said:
"There's two things missionaries are called to do according to Jesus: 'preach the gospel' and 'make disciples'. Not everyone has to be preaching the gospel and planting churches when they go out on the missionfield, some people are called there to make disciples of those who have already heard and believed".
At first I had a hard time with this thought. I mean, there are lots of people on the missionsfield doing support work such as office work and not necessarily being directly involved in preaching or discipling. They are supporting those works though... but I didn't give that much thought as I realised that I don't feel like God is calling me to the missionfield to do something other than these two things. When I'm in Haiti it just feels right when I'm with some young person one on one getting to know them better and just naturally telling them about who God is and what He's done and encouraging them to get to know Him or get to know Him more. I know that is what God's called me to do, I'm just not sure sometimes whether He means me to do it here in Toronto or out on the missionfield. That's what I want to find out!
So after being encouraged by Reg's thoughts on the missionfield, I enjoyed hearing John Dennison give a report about his work in Mexico. It was a great report and I enjoyed listening to it, but the best part was that after the break, he came over and sat by me to take in the rest of the conference. This was great because I had wanted to ask him a question and didn't know when I'd possibly have time to talk to him what with everything else that was going on at the conference. So just before they started with the next block of speakers, I leaned over and asked him:
"How can a person know whether their sense of a call to go out to the mission field is really a call from God or just their own desires influencing them?"
What he said to me was that while it is important to make sure that your "call" is genuine, your desires can be a part of that confirmation. Not all personal desires are wrong of course, God is not normally going to call a person to the mission field who genuinely doesn't want to be there. And then Mr. Dennison quoted a Psalm to me in a way I'd never thought about it:
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4
What he said to me was that this verse is clearly not saying that anyone who delights in the Lord is going to get everything he desires, because we know that isn't true. But you can see it like this: if you find your delight in the Lord, He will give you the desires He wants you to have. The person who is devoted to God is going to be changed, molded, and guided by Him though the Spirit of God. Our desires are a part of that process. Don't ignore or discount them. This was a powerful and moving thought to me.
I wanted to ask him more questions, but the next speaker was starting so I had to hold off, but I let him know I would try to find him later.
After that, during the next break for meals, my roommate let me know that some old acquaintances of mine had recently returned from doing a short stint of gospel work in Haiti! I was surprised at the internal reaction I had to this information, but it just really struck me because even though Swaziland has really been on my heart lately what with what we've been up to there, its just never been a part of me like Haiti has. I don't know why that is for sure, but I do know that finding out that there might be another young couple that I know interested in doing work in Haiti for God just blew me away. I wanted to sit them down and find out more about it, but to tell the truth I couldn't quite figure out where I knew them from! I'm so bad with names... and I didn't want to make a fool of myself. But eventually I clued into the fact that they were not only from Clementsvale where I've spent some time serving at their yearly conference, but they are also family to some good friends of mine here in Toronto! Wish I'd remembered that while I still had a chance to talk to them in person... But either way the news about them having gone there just got my mind racing.
Because the thing is, as much as I can see myself ending up in Haiti at some point, the thought of going by myself deflates my heart. I know me well enough to know that I'm not likely to hold up well under the pressures of foreign missionary work without close support and fellowship -- and I just don't think I could get that from the people there. Not because the Haitian Christians are any less warm and supportive than anyone else, but because just like anywhere, they still treat you like a foreigner... like a missionary. Not like their friend down the street, but like a friendly stranger. And that's not gonna cut it when things get hard. Now, I know in reality I don't have to worry because Jesus is always with me and ready to help me. But he gave us friends and fellowship for a reason, and I don't think I've been equipped by Him to live without it.
Now, after the surprise about my Clementsvale friends, I next had the opportunity to pick the brain of a very good old (young) friend of mine who is very shortly going with his wife and two children to the country of Angola to become full time workers there for God. It was so inspiring to hear their story of how clearly and miraculously God had told them where and when to go and what to do there. It was just another sign from God that He does still speak directly to His people and that nothing is stopping him from doing that in my life. I just have to trust Him.
After the ministry was all over and we had an amazing time of singing (the singing in Fredericton is always amazing), Mr. Dennison was giving a message to the youth and opened it by mentioning (anonymously!) the conversation I had had with him that afternoon! That really caught my attention. What was awesome was that his message that night for the youth was so directly about what I had asked him about and he'd prepared it ages ago. The synopsis was this:
How can you know God's will for your life?
1. The Word of God
If you're looking for specific guidance in a situation, first ask yourself 'What has God said generally to me through His Word?' Do those things first. Obey what He has already given you! Get going with the general and the specifics will be given to you in God's perfect timing.
2. The Witness of the Situation
Circumstances can be a confirmation of God's will as long as they are in line with the Word of God.
3. Wisdom of Believers
Before making a major decision, build up counsellors! Neutral people who can give you wisdom. That can also be a confirmation of the will of God in your life.
4. Wait until you can say with confidence: "The Lord has prepared my way"
Like the servant who went to find a wife for Isaac, he trusted God to show him who was the right woman and God showed him very clearly! At that point there was no doubt at all that it was God who had arranged the circumstances.
These people sure do love alliteration. :)
Anyways, it was awesome to get this message and to think about how it applies to my questions about whether God is calling me to missions work.
After this message though, I hounded Mr. Dennison to get a moment alone with him to pick his brain some more and that's when I got the real gems of the weekend.
My real burning question for him was this:
"If I'm involved in the youth ministry at home and God really seems to be moving there and blessing the work, then how am I to understand the burden that I have to leave and do missions work? Is it just in my mind?"
He gave me some really powerful things to think about when trying to answer this question myself before God.
Is the ministry you're doing at home something you do that someone else could be doing? Conversely, is there something God has placed on your heart to do (in the missions field) that He has equipped you specially to do that not just anyone could do? That could be a good indication of what God is telling you/showing you about His will for you and His ability to take care of the ministry you would be leaving by going out.
Look at the ways that God has equipped you. Are you equipped for the missions field? Can you learn a language? Can you live in those circumstances?
Look at the ways that God is opening or closing doors with respect to your burden. What are the circumstances showing you? Work, home, finances, support, etc.
Where is there currently an ear for the gospel? A lack of an 'ear' does not mean that there is not a call, but a definite cry for gospel preaching/teaching/discipling is definitely another sign or confirmation of a call from God.
Once again, look at the desires God has given you. He's not normally going to call someone who loathes children into a children's ministry. What has He given you a desire for?
If you have a burden or desire to go on the missions field, take some time if possible and go short term. See what it is like to live there. See if God blesses and speaks to you there. He'll make His will clear to you.
These thoughts gave me so much to chew on and meditate over for the rest of the weekend and I was so thankful for them. My old friend Dorie Lyn was also really supportive of the idea when I confided in her about it as well but I couldn't tell if that was more out of excitement and whatnot since my roommates were both intending to go based on clear marching orders they'd received.
Before I knew it it was time to head home and for about 7 hours of our 12 hour drive the three of us were talking about the ministry and the missions field and how God had spoken to us. It was really neat to see how God was clearly working in the lives of my roommates to show them His will regarding their nearing departures on to the field.
For me the matter was still pretty muddy because although I had Haiti heavy on my mind and heart, I still did not feel as though God was calling me to head off there. I had though a lot more about what Mr. Dennison had said and had started praying about the possibility that God might be able to bring me to an IJM office somewhere in the world for a year on a fellowship to learn about how they are using their advocacy skills to fight against violent oppression and spread the gospel and then after my year there go to Haiti to try and do the same sort of thing on a much smaller scale as a way to reach and disciple people through ministry. This idea really made a lot of sense to me, but I was still feeling pretty uneasy.
Once we got home it was time to get to bed because I had to be up for work in a few hours! But just before I drifted off to sleep, both C &C found out that they'd received news in the mail/e-mail when we got back that were direct answers to prayer about their plans for the missionfield! Very exciting. But troubling as well as I realised that unlike C&C and Joel and Kaleigh, I definitely couldn't point to anything that God had shown me lately that would indicate that he was confirming my inclination toward going to Haiti or my desire to depart for the missionfield in the near future.
So I then went to bed feeling a little depressed and disappointed. Spent some time praying and then decided to soldier on in my reading since I God speaks to me and other through the Bible. I would probably have preferred to pick a more uplifting book, but my studying lately has been in the book of Obadiah and I figured I'd just stick it out there until I was done with it. And unfortunately for my then fragile psyche, the verses to pop out at me during my reading that dark night were:
"The arrogance of your heart has deceived you, [....] Though you build high like the eagle, though you set your nest among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the LORD. [....] Jacob will be a fire, and Joseph will be a flame, but you will be as stubble". Oba 1:3-4, 18.
And I don't think I have to outline just how discouraged this made me feel! And to add insult to injury, I fell asleep shortly after reading this passage and had violent nightmares all night. A very unpleasant evening and end to the conference to be sure!
The next day I had a telephone call from my good friend in Fredericton. The one who had been encouraging me to take the next steps towards the missionfield instead of hesitating. She was calling to apologize because she felt as though she had been too pushy. She said "If you're really waffling between going or not going, Genna, maybe its just not the time". Another hard thing to hear.
Now I'm studying Obadiah during my Bible study time but during my regular reading I've been recently enjoying reading about David's life. I was impressed with his humility and had been admiring afresh his devotion to God -- some of the things that he did during his lifetime must have made him seem like a real fool for God to the people around him. And its awesome how he didn't let all his disappointments and all the times of uncertainty of God's blessing deter him from following God singleheartedly. So on Monday when I was on my way to work after my dark night of the soul, I happened to be reading in second Samuel on the GoTrain. David, the King God had promised to bless was, once again, fleeing from the palace from before someone close to him who wished him dead. His own son had decided to overthrow him -- a King who had dedicated his life to his people and His God. So he's fleeing from the palace and then this jerk shows up:
"When King David came to Bahurim, behold, there came out from there a man [...] whose name was Shimei [...] he came out cursing continually as he came. He threw stones at David [and cursed him saying] [...] "Get out, get out, you [...] worthless fellow!"
Then Abishai the son of Zeruiah said to the king, "Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over now and cut off his head." But the king said, "[...] If he curses, and if the LORD has told him, 'Curse David,' then who shall say, 'why have you done so?' [...] Let him alone and let him curse, for the LORD has told him. Perhaps the LORD will look on my affliction and return good to me instead of his cursing this day."
So David and his men went on the way; and Shimei went along on the hillside parallel with him and as he went he cursed and cast stones and threw dust at him. The king and all the people who were with him arrived weary [...]
2 Sam 16:6-10
David's patience and trust in God really struck me. Here was a man who God had chosen as a man after God's own heart yet time after time I read of him going through immense personal and national trials and pain. But what got me the most about this passage was that David could have lopped this guy's head off but he didn't. He knew that the Lord could bless him if He wanted to bless him and had a right to try him if He wanted to try him. Now was the time for trial and pain. David accepted that. The time for blessing would come, but that was the Lord's business.
And I knew the same must be true of me. I know that God knows the desire he has placed within my heart with regard to His work abroad. But I can't go ahead of His timing, as much as I'd like to. I started to meditate on this thought early that week and as I was thinking about it I thought I'd spend some time thinking about Haiti and what it might look like to go there at some point. I started by e-mailing my Clementsvale friends to find out more about their short time there and whether there was an "ear for the Gospel" there as Mr. Dennison had suggested.
While I was waiting for a reply to my e-mail, I spent some time looking up the blog of some missionaries I knew of in Haiti to see what they were up to. It is a young couple who went over to Haiti to spread the gospel and especially to disciple youth -- the very thing I want to be doing! So I thought I'd read more about their time there and try to be inspired by the work they were doing. Well, colour me surprised when I see on their most recent blog headline "Moving to Nicaragua!"
Riiiiight....
So yeah. Turns out that a couple of months ago the home of this young missionary family had been broken into by Haitian thugs wielding guns. A home invasion! There were shots fired in their home and they had their young daughter in the house with them. It was just too much for them and they've decided to leave Haiti for good and are now beginning their ministry in Nicaragua.
Well, I trust God will bless them where He has brought them, but it just wasn't encouraging news to read about as I was trying to pump myself up about Haiti!
By this point in the week I was feeling pretty low. While on the one had God had seemed to answer so many prayers and open so many doors with respect to taking the year off and going off with IJM, and weighing me down with heavy thoughts about the work to be done in Haiti, at the same time He seemed to be making it abundantly clear that He was not going to give me marching orders to Haiti at this time. And I really started to wonder, then, how to make sense of it all.
And just as I was getting to my lowest point in this little adventure, God saw fit to bless me by shedding some little light for me.
See, I had been starting to doubt that I was really being called at all to missions work -- especially in the advocacy field. I wondered if I was just letting the romance of the idea of IJM and the adventure carry me away. Gary Haugen's books could convince just about anyone that they're being called by God to go out and fight oppression single-handedly. And he quotes all the good verses in the Bible about the subject, so it makes it hard to know if the feeling of a call that one gets from reading them is really just because Haugen put it in your mind in the first place! I needed real confirmation from God that it was He who was speaking to me, because I can't go without knowing He's going before.
I kept going in my daily studying of the short book of Obadiah, even though I found it so discouraging. But in the middle of that week, God showed me something special there that really spoke to me:
Because of violence to your brother, [...], on the day that you stood aloof, on the day that strangers carried off his wealth, and foreigners entered his gate, you too were as one of them.
Oba 1:10-11
I didn't experience this as a rebuke to me, but as a clear indication that now that God has laid on my heart the violence that is being done to my brothers and sisters around the world by violent men and women, I can't stand aloof and go on with my life here or I am just like those who are committing the violence.
God's Word is amazing to me. See, it never changes, which is awesome, yet its living which is beyond awesome. But how does that work exactly? Well, I'm sure its different for everyone, but what I've found in my life and relationship with God is that He speaks to me most clearly when I am studying or meditating on a passage of His word as opposed to just reading it lightly. And what He'll do is captivate my mind with a particular passage or verse all of a sudden in a way that I've never seen the verse before. Not a vague way of interpreting the verse, but a clear and obvious way that just simply never occurred to me before in my countless readings of it in the past. Its hard to describe the experience clearer than that, but I've learned to recognize His particular messages to me when reading and I love it.
I know that that passage in Obadiah might not seem to say to you what it said to me, but I knew that that was what God was saying to me. And it has helped to give me peace about going with IJM -- knowing that God is behind it and has brought this burden to me for His own purpose.
Last Sunday Sharon taught the sunday school class about the importance of patience. Then later that day I went to Bridlegrove Chapel where the evening ministry was also on the subject of patience. And I've been thinking about David and his patience in waiting on the Lord to show him what to do next. His trust in God's timing and his refusal to step out ahead of God despite what his friends were saying about the absurdity of his situation as a man of God and the rightful King of Israel.
God knows what He's doing. I don't need to know what comes after IJM at this point. He may make it clear before I go, He may make it clear while I am there that year, but He may not, and if that is His will then I will come home at the end of that year and see what He has next for me and find out how He wants me to deal with this burden I have for advocacy to the oppressed going forward.
At this point I am thinking I may request a post in the Rwanda IJM office for a year starting June of 2013. I am still praying about it, but this is what I am thinking at this point. Rwanda is a country where one of the official languages is French, like Haiti. And unlike the Uganda IJM office, the Rwanda office does work in both the areas of sexual crimes against children as well as land grabbing issues against widows and orphans, which would be helpful to learn more about with regard to Haiti. I'm going to spend this year attempting to seriously ramp up on my French in preparation. But in the end I won't have a choice where IJM chooses to send me if they even accept my application for a legal fellowship so it will be up to God to make the way clear.
I will keep praying about it and talk to the elders about my exercise as soon as I am able.
Sorry for the saga, but the whole story had to be told. One day I may need to re-read this entry to assure myself of just how directly God brought me to this decision and to see how He used even my discouragement and disappointment to show me His will for me.
Awesome.
So my housemates and I decided we were going to take a roadtrip out to Fredericton for their 30th annual Bible Conference last weekend. It was a great time filled with God's presence and direction but a confusing time for me overall.
Besides the 15 hours of driving on the way there and a few mishaps that happened here and there throughout the weekend, the first thing that really got to me was a visit to the house of my elderly friend Reg. I used to spend every Saturday night at Reg's house back when I lived in Fredericton. He's got to be the finest octogenarian I know! :) When I talked to him about some of my thoughts on the missionfield and whether God wants me there he said:
"There's two things missionaries are called to do according to Jesus: 'preach the gospel' and 'make disciples'. Not everyone has to be preaching the gospel and planting churches when they go out on the missionfield, some people are called there to make disciples of those who have already heard and believed".
At first I had a hard time with this thought. I mean, there are lots of people on the missionsfield doing support work such as office work and not necessarily being directly involved in preaching or discipling. They are supporting those works though... but I didn't give that much thought as I realised that I don't feel like God is calling me to the missionfield to do something other than these two things. When I'm in Haiti it just feels right when I'm with some young person one on one getting to know them better and just naturally telling them about who God is and what He's done and encouraging them to get to know Him or get to know Him more. I know that is what God's called me to do, I'm just not sure sometimes whether He means me to do it here in Toronto or out on the missionfield. That's what I want to find out!
So after being encouraged by Reg's thoughts on the missionfield, I enjoyed hearing John Dennison give a report about his work in Mexico. It was a great report and I enjoyed listening to it, but the best part was that after the break, he came over and sat by me to take in the rest of the conference. This was great because I had wanted to ask him a question and didn't know when I'd possibly have time to talk to him what with everything else that was going on at the conference. So just before they started with the next block of speakers, I leaned over and asked him:
"How can a person know whether their sense of a call to go out to the mission field is really a call from God or just their own desires influencing them?"
What he said to me was that while it is important to make sure that your "call" is genuine, your desires can be a part of that confirmation. Not all personal desires are wrong of course, God is not normally going to call a person to the mission field who genuinely doesn't want to be there. And then Mr. Dennison quoted a Psalm to me in a way I'd never thought about it:
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4
What he said to me was that this verse is clearly not saying that anyone who delights in the Lord is going to get everything he desires, because we know that isn't true. But you can see it like this: if you find your delight in the Lord, He will give you the desires He wants you to have. The person who is devoted to God is going to be changed, molded, and guided by Him though the Spirit of God. Our desires are a part of that process. Don't ignore or discount them. This was a powerful and moving thought to me.
I wanted to ask him more questions, but the next speaker was starting so I had to hold off, but I let him know I would try to find him later.
After that, during the next break for meals, my roommate let me know that some old acquaintances of mine had recently returned from doing a short stint of gospel work in Haiti! I was surprised at the internal reaction I had to this information, but it just really struck me because even though Swaziland has really been on my heart lately what with what we've been up to there, its just never been a part of me like Haiti has. I don't know why that is for sure, but I do know that finding out that there might be another young couple that I know interested in doing work in Haiti for God just blew me away. I wanted to sit them down and find out more about it, but to tell the truth I couldn't quite figure out where I knew them from! I'm so bad with names... and I didn't want to make a fool of myself. But eventually I clued into the fact that they were not only from Clementsvale where I've spent some time serving at their yearly conference, but they are also family to some good friends of mine here in Toronto! Wish I'd remembered that while I still had a chance to talk to them in person... But either way the news about them having gone there just got my mind racing.
Because the thing is, as much as I can see myself ending up in Haiti at some point, the thought of going by myself deflates my heart. I know me well enough to know that I'm not likely to hold up well under the pressures of foreign missionary work without close support and fellowship -- and I just don't think I could get that from the people there. Not because the Haitian Christians are any less warm and supportive than anyone else, but because just like anywhere, they still treat you like a foreigner... like a missionary. Not like their friend down the street, but like a friendly stranger. And that's not gonna cut it when things get hard. Now, I know in reality I don't have to worry because Jesus is always with me and ready to help me. But he gave us friends and fellowship for a reason, and I don't think I've been equipped by Him to live without it.
Now, after the surprise about my Clementsvale friends, I next had the opportunity to pick the brain of a very good old (young) friend of mine who is very shortly going with his wife and two children to the country of Angola to become full time workers there for God. It was so inspiring to hear their story of how clearly and miraculously God had told them where and when to go and what to do there. It was just another sign from God that He does still speak directly to His people and that nothing is stopping him from doing that in my life. I just have to trust Him.
After the ministry was all over and we had an amazing time of singing (the singing in Fredericton is always amazing), Mr. Dennison was giving a message to the youth and opened it by mentioning (anonymously!) the conversation I had had with him that afternoon! That really caught my attention. What was awesome was that his message that night for the youth was so directly about what I had asked him about and he'd prepared it ages ago. The synopsis was this:
How can you know God's will for your life?
1. The Word of God
If you're looking for specific guidance in a situation, first ask yourself 'What has God said generally to me through His Word?' Do those things first. Obey what He has already given you! Get going with the general and the specifics will be given to you in God's perfect timing.
2. The Witness of the Situation
Circumstances can be a confirmation of God's will as long as they are in line with the Word of God.
3. Wisdom of Believers
Before making a major decision, build up counsellors! Neutral people who can give you wisdom. That can also be a confirmation of the will of God in your life.
4. Wait until you can say with confidence: "The Lord has prepared my way"
Like the servant who went to find a wife for Isaac, he trusted God to show him who was the right woman and God showed him very clearly! At that point there was no doubt at all that it was God who had arranged the circumstances.
These people sure do love alliteration. :)
Anyways, it was awesome to get this message and to think about how it applies to my questions about whether God is calling me to missions work.
After this message though, I hounded Mr. Dennison to get a moment alone with him to pick his brain some more and that's when I got the real gems of the weekend.
My real burning question for him was this:
"If I'm involved in the youth ministry at home and God really seems to be moving there and blessing the work, then how am I to understand the burden that I have to leave and do missions work? Is it just in my mind?"
He gave me some really powerful things to think about when trying to answer this question myself before God.
Is the ministry you're doing at home something you do that someone else could be doing? Conversely, is there something God has placed on your heart to do (in the missions field) that He has equipped you specially to do that not just anyone could do? That could be a good indication of what God is telling you/showing you about His will for you and His ability to take care of the ministry you would be leaving by going out.
Look at the ways that God has equipped you. Are you equipped for the missions field? Can you learn a language? Can you live in those circumstances?
Look at the ways that God is opening or closing doors with respect to your burden. What are the circumstances showing you? Work, home, finances, support, etc.
Where is there currently an ear for the gospel? A lack of an 'ear' does not mean that there is not a call, but a definite cry for gospel preaching/teaching/discipling is definitely another sign or confirmation of a call from God.
Once again, look at the desires God has given you. He's not normally going to call someone who loathes children into a children's ministry. What has He given you a desire for?
If you have a burden or desire to go on the missions field, take some time if possible and go short term. See what it is like to live there. See if God blesses and speaks to you there. He'll make His will clear to you.
These thoughts gave me so much to chew on and meditate over for the rest of the weekend and I was so thankful for them. My old friend Dorie Lyn was also really supportive of the idea when I confided in her about it as well but I couldn't tell if that was more out of excitement and whatnot since my roommates were both intending to go based on clear marching orders they'd received.
Before I knew it it was time to head home and for about 7 hours of our 12 hour drive the three of us were talking about the ministry and the missions field and how God had spoken to us. It was really neat to see how God was clearly working in the lives of my roommates to show them His will regarding their nearing departures on to the field.
For me the matter was still pretty muddy because although I had Haiti heavy on my mind and heart, I still did not feel as though God was calling me to head off there. I had though a lot more about what Mr. Dennison had said and had started praying about the possibility that God might be able to bring me to an IJM office somewhere in the world for a year on a fellowship to learn about how they are using their advocacy skills to fight against violent oppression and spread the gospel and then after my year there go to Haiti to try and do the same sort of thing on a much smaller scale as a way to reach and disciple people through ministry. This idea really made a lot of sense to me, but I was still feeling pretty uneasy.
Once we got home it was time to get to bed because I had to be up for work in a few hours! But just before I drifted off to sleep, both C &C found out that they'd received news in the mail/e-mail when we got back that were direct answers to prayer about their plans for the missionfield! Very exciting. But troubling as well as I realised that unlike C&C and Joel and Kaleigh, I definitely couldn't point to anything that God had shown me lately that would indicate that he was confirming my inclination toward going to Haiti or my desire to depart for the missionfield in the near future.
So I then went to bed feeling a little depressed and disappointed. Spent some time praying and then decided to soldier on in my reading since I God speaks to me and other through the Bible. I would probably have preferred to pick a more uplifting book, but my studying lately has been in the book of Obadiah and I figured I'd just stick it out there until I was done with it. And unfortunately for my then fragile psyche, the verses to pop out at me during my reading that dark night were:
"The arrogance of your heart has deceived you, [....] Though you build high like the eagle, though you set your nest among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the LORD. [....] Jacob will be a fire, and Joseph will be a flame, but you will be as stubble". Oba 1:3-4, 18.
And I don't think I have to outline just how discouraged this made me feel! And to add insult to injury, I fell asleep shortly after reading this passage and had violent nightmares all night. A very unpleasant evening and end to the conference to be sure!
The next day I had a telephone call from my good friend in Fredericton. The one who had been encouraging me to take the next steps towards the missionfield instead of hesitating. She was calling to apologize because she felt as though she had been too pushy. She said "If you're really waffling between going or not going, Genna, maybe its just not the time". Another hard thing to hear.
Now I'm studying Obadiah during my Bible study time but during my regular reading I've been recently enjoying reading about David's life. I was impressed with his humility and had been admiring afresh his devotion to God -- some of the things that he did during his lifetime must have made him seem like a real fool for God to the people around him. And its awesome how he didn't let all his disappointments and all the times of uncertainty of God's blessing deter him from following God singleheartedly. So on Monday when I was on my way to work after my dark night of the soul, I happened to be reading in second Samuel on the GoTrain. David, the King God had promised to bless was, once again, fleeing from the palace from before someone close to him who wished him dead. His own son had decided to overthrow him -- a King who had dedicated his life to his people and His God. So he's fleeing from the palace and then this jerk shows up:
"When King David came to Bahurim, behold, there came out from there a man [...] whose name was Shimei [...] he came out cursing continually as he came. He threw stones at David [and cursed him saying] [...] "Get out, get out, you [...] worthless fellow!"
Then Abishai the son of Zeruiah said to the king, "Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over now and cut off his head." But the king said, "[...] If he curses, and if the LORD has told him, 'Curse David,' then who shall say, 'why have you done so?' [...] Let him alone and let him curse, for the LORD has told him. Perhaps the LORD will look on my affliction and return good to me instead of his cursing this day."
So David and his men went on the way; and Shimei went along on the hillside parallel with him and as he went he cursed and cast stones and threw dust at him. The king and all the people who were with him arrived weary [...]
2 Sam 16:6-10
David's patience and trust in God really struck me. Here was a man who God had chosen as a man after God's own heart yet time after time I read of him going through immense personal and national trials and pain. But what got me the most about this passage was that David could have lopped this guy's head off but he didn't. He knew that the Lord could bless him if He wanted to bless him and had a right to try him if He wanted to try him. Now was the time for trial and pain. David accepted that. The time for blessing would come, but that was the Lord's business.
And I knew the same must be true of me. I know that God knows the desire he has placed within my heart with regard to His work abroad. But I can't go ahead of His timing, as much as I'd like to. I started to meditate on this thought early that week and as I was thinking about it I thought I'd spend some time thinking about Haiti and what it might look like to go there at some point. I started by e-mailing my Clementsvale friends to find out more about their short time there and whether there was an "ear for the Gospel" there as Mr. Dennison had suggested.
While I was waiting for a reply to my e-mail, I spent some time looking up the blog of some missionaries I knew of in Haiti to see what they were up to. It is a young couple who went over to Haiti to spread the gospel and especially to disciple youth -- the very thing I want to be doing! So I thought I'd read more about their time there and try to be inspired by the work they were doing. Well, colour me surprised when I see on their most recent blog headline "Moving to Nicaragua!"
Riiiiight....
So yeah. Turns out that a couple of months ago the home of this young missionary family had been broken into by Haitian thugs wielding guns. A home invasion! There were shots fired in their home and they had their young daughter in the house with them. It was just too much for them and they've decided to leave Haiti for good and are now beginning their ministry in Nicaragua.
Well, I trust God will bless them where He has brought them, but it just wasn't encouraging news to read about as I was trying to pump myself up about Haiti!
By this point in the week I was feeling pretty low. While on the one had God had seemed to answer so many prayers and open so many doors with respect to taking the year off and going off with IJM, and weighing me down with heavy thoughts about the work to be done in Haiti, at the same time He seemed to be making it abundantly clear that He was not going to give me marching orders to Haiti at this time. And I really started to wonder, then, how to make sense of it all.
And just as I was getting to my lowest point in this little adventure, God saw fit to bless me by shedding some little light for me.
See, I had been starting to doubt that I was really being called at all to missions work -- especially in the advocacy field. I wondered if I was just letting the romance of the idea of IJM and the adventure carry me away. Gary Haugen's books could convince just about anyone that they're being called by God to go out and fight oppression single-handedly. And he quotes all the good verses in the Bible about the subject, so it makes it hard to know if the feeling of a call that one gets from reading them is really just because Haugen put it in your mind in the first place! I needed real confirmation from God that it was He who was speaking to me, because I can't go without knowing He's going before.
I kept going in my daily studying of the short book of Obadiah, even though I found it so discouraging. But in the middle of that week, God showed me something special there that really spoke to me:
Because of violence to your brother, [...], on the day that you stood aloof, on the day that strangers carried off his wealth, and foreigners entered his gate, you too were as one of them.
Oba 1:10-11
I didn't experience this as a rebuke to me, but as a clear indication that now that God has laid on my heart the violence that is being done to my brothers and sisters around the world by violent men and women, I can't stand aloof and go on with my life here or I am just like those who are committing the violence.
God's Word is amazing to me. See, it never changes, which is awesome, yet its living which is beyond awesome. But how does that work exactly? Well, I'm sure its different for everyone, but what I've found in my life and relationship with God is that He speaks to me most clearly when I am studying or meditating on a passage of His word as opposed to just reading it lightly. And what He'll do is captivate my mind with a particular passage or verse all of a sudden in a way that I've never seen the verse before. Not a vague way of interpreting the verse, but a clear and obvious way that just simply never occurred to me before in my countless readings of it in the past. Its hard to describe the experience clearer than that, but I've learned to recognize His particular messages to me when reading and I love it.
I know that that passage in Obadiah might not seem to say to you what it said to me, but I knew that that was what God was saying to me. And it has helped to give me peace about going with IJM -- knowing that God is behind it and has brought this burden to me for His own purpose.
Last Sunday Sharon taught the sunday school class about the importance of patience. Then later that day I went to Bridlegrove Chapel where the evening ministry was also on the subject of patience. And I've been thinking about David and his patience in waiting on the Lord to show him what to do next. His trust in God's timing and his refusal to step out ahead of God despite what his friends were saying about the absurdity of his situation as a man of God and the rightful King of Israel.
God knows what He's doing. I don't need to know what comes after IJM at this point. He may make it clear before I go, He may make it clear while I am there that year, but He may not, and if that is His will then I will come home at the end of that year and see what He has next for me and find out how He wants me to deal with this burden I have for advocacy to the oppressed going forward.
At this point I am thinking I may request a post in the Rwanda IJM office for a year starting June of 2013. I am still praying about it, but this is what I am thinking at this point. Rwanda is a country where one of the official languages is French, like Haiti. And unlike the Uganda IJM office, the Rwanda office does work in both the areas of sexual crimes against children as well as land grabbing issues against widows and orphans, which would be helpful to learn more about with regard to Haiti. I'm going to spend this year attempting to seriously ramp up on my French in preparation. But in the end I won't have a choice where IJM chooses to send me if they even accept my application for a legal fellowship so it will be up to God to make the way clear.
I will keep praying about it and talk to the elders about my exercise as soon as I am able.
Sorry for the saga, but the whole story had to be told. One day I may need to re-read this entry to assure myself of just how directly God brought me to this decision and to see how He used even my discouragement and disappointment to show me His will for me.
Awesome.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
He Giveth More Grace
You know, in all my contemplations about missionary life recently, I’ve been somewhat comforted by the fact that many of the things that I used to say I couldn’t live without I’ve been lately feeling as though I’ve been given the grace to get over.
For instance, I doubt there’ll be lots of philharmonic opportunities for me in the third world. Not only would I likely not be able to be a part of an orchestra, but I probably also would have to give up even the private enjoyment of playing the piano and my bass! Plus, if the neighbours aren’t gracious, I might also have to give up the piccolo and any serious pursuit of the flute! But somehow, I feel like I’m feeling okay with that. That’s grace for ya. (though I’ll admit that I know I’ll be on the lookout for a well-to-do friend with a piano in the area….)
I also am a big fan of uniquely North American food stuffs, such as lactose-free milk (don’t even talk to me about milk substitutes…how dare you even think it. Go wash your mouth out! With AlmondBreeze!) And I would miss the comfort of the beloved Canada Food Guide label which assures me that its info is more likely than not an accurate description the contents of the package in question… these are things I love. But I can handle not having them.
I would miss hearing English on a regular basis, and being able to express myself to people verbally (and culturally!) with relative ease.
I’d miss hot leisurely showers with adequate water pressure. Have you ever tried to wash dredlocks with inadequate water pressure?
Speaking of dredlocks, I’d miss knowing someone who could retighten my hair for me on a regular basis. I used to love doing my hair myself and scorn the idea of paying others, but now that I have almost 500 locks that need to be retightened every few weeks…well…what can I say. And surprisingly, sisterlocks aren’t prevalent enough -- even in Africa -- to guarantee that I’d be able to find someone who could do it outside of Canada/US.
More importantly though, I would miss being able to visit my sisters and parents at the drop of a hat. We have such a nice relationship lately its awesome! But, somehow, I think we’ll be able to find ways to deal with that. Both of my older sisters have spent extended time away from the family before and we made it work (not to mention my 8 year stint in New Brunswick!) Plus now that they’re all working, I hope they’d come to visit me and see what’s going on in the field. But that doesn’t mean it will be easy…but God’s given me grace to feel okay about this somehow.
I would definitely miss life with C &C. Its surprising how much one comes to rely on the housemate relationship for sanity and contentment. How does one get by without close camaraderie? Its not as easy to come by as I’d like. And I suppose if it were easier to come by, it wouldn’t be near so precious. Ho hum… but I think the three of us agree that we are each going to have to face that one day anyways (i.e. whether its because of a missionary call, marriage, career or whatever) so I’m learning to accept that. Any relationship involving a person, other than the relationship between a person and God, must end eventually.
But like I said, miraculously, even though this list is long and dear to me, all these things I am beginning to think I could live without. Maybe I could not have said that before, but of late I’m feeling a certain measure of grace to let go of them…graciously. Which is amazing.
But then yesterday it hit me. The one thing that may totally unhinge my world if I lost it. The one thing that God has decided not to let me let go of with the same grace. And its something I am almost guaranteed to lose if I move away from North America…
Its my car time.
Aww, don’t roll your eyes. I’m dead serious!
I mean, I’m happy enough with my car, I don’t love it to death or anything. Its nice, its blue, its paid off. I enjoy driving but its not one of my favourite pastimes in and of itself.
But my car TIME is indispensible to my happiness, personal wellbeing, spiritual sustenance, and, by extension, the sanity of those who have to deal with me! Here’s the thing: there is nowhere else in the whole world that I can sing at the top of my capacity without any thought of public censure. And you can’t imagine how much I look forward to that part of my day. Every day. Music is an indispensible part of my heart and soul. I can live without the bass and the flute, I will find a way to deal without the piano, and I can definitely handle a lack of orchestra. But give up my private singing time? I need that! Worship music just isn’t *in* me if I’m not singing it myself (I can’t just listen to it. Its not the same) and once a week at church just isn’t going to get me by.
Also, there is nowhere else I can think of, except my car, where I can have a totally natural language conversation with God with any adequate measure of privacy.
Sigh…. So unbeknownst to me, my car has apparently become my sanctuary and my altar. I don’t know what on Earth I would do without it.
This is a problem. Not insurmountable of course. But it really did give me actual literal pause yesterday in the middle of the street as I headed toward my car, looking forward to my sanity-providing drive home from orchestra rehearsal. That’s when it hit me that I may not always have this… It rocked my world just a little bit.
But it makes sense to me that God would appreciate it if I lay this little thing down for Him without the grace. Without the aspirin-like ease of the pain that He’s given me to deal with the other more serious things on my list. Without His help for some of those big things, I might not be able to handle the degree of loss and would veto the idea of missionary life before I got started. What I mean is, He’s been gracious to me in that even though I take note of the great loss associated with each of those big things, He’s blessed me to not feel the huge sense of loss I normally would so that I am equipped to keep going forward in prayer about it and intending to obey Him in it if He does say to go.
Not so with the car time. It may seem minor to others, but you have to understand that its important to me. If music isn’t your thing, maybe you don’t get how serious I am about that. But I am serious. And God, in His wisdom, has seen fit to let me feel the prospect of this particular loss very keenly. Totally different from the way He’s kept me from feeling overwhelmed by the loss of the bigger things on my list. And I think that’s amazing and I think He’s done that for a reason.
As important to me as my private car time is to me, it is not as important to me as doing the will of my Father. If He’s given me grace for everything else I can think of but this one thing so that I can intend to sacrifice it willingly to Him and feel acutely the loss that is involved with that act, then I feel singularly blessed by Him for the honour. Sacrifice is meaningless if it doesn’t cost anything. Maybe He knew I wouldn’t be able to handle sacrificing the other things without His grace to help. But with this one thing… He knew I could bear this for Him. And I want Him to know that I will.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
ESL or no ESL???
So before I started really contemplating things with IJM I was planning to take an ESL training course so that I would have a useful skill for the mission-field if ever I was found there (not being a nurse or teacher or carpenter or anything practical like that!)
Now that I'm pondering whether I'm being deliberately called to advocacy work on the missions field I don't know what to do about this ESL business.
On the one hand, it still seems to make sense. "Tent-making" as a missionary -- supporting myself as I go out into the world to serve people. So, if IJM is only willing to take me for a year (or not at all!) but I've already quit my job, being able to teach English is definitely more conducive than a law degree to being able to pick up immediate employment almost anywhere. But on the other hand this thinking seems a little...faithless. If God wants me to advocate, He'll make a way for me to advocate and eat. Then again, maybe He's got ESL teaching on my distant horizon and I might as well learn to do it now while I have the resources... hmm.
Sure, if a person is called to minister by specifically teaching English, then by all means take an ESL teaching course. But if one is called to do something else, is it not an insult to God and a lack of trust to learn how to teach English as a "just in case" sort of thing?
Then again, I may still be here several more years and there are plenty of ESL ministries at the church here that I'm sure could use teachers. But then, you don't need to take a $2,500 course in order to do that... that is money I could be putting away for when I leave (don't get me started on the faithlessness of that statement! ;)
Well, I don't know.
I signed up for the course because the deadline is coming up. But I can still back out of it if it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. $2,500 is a lot of money that could be used for a lot of other things... but being able to give people the gift of English and having a teaching ministry that gives me time to spend with people spreading the gospel is mighty enticing.
Being able to speak English really is a gift. It opens so many doors. Kinda like shoes to an impoverished person. Everyone with shoes takes them for granted, until you realise that you can't get a job without a pair, but you can't get a pair without money, and you can't get money without a job...etc. Same with English if you ask me...
Hmm.
But I could take a 5 day or even a dirt cheap online course and be pretty set. Or even just get out some books from the library. Why get certified? I think I'm just addicted to accreditation. I would have been a mess during the time when apprenticeship was the thing.
Still pondering.
Now that I'm pondering whether I'm being deliberately called to advocacy work on the missions field I don't know what to do about this ESL business.
On the one hand, it still seems to make sense. "Tent-making" as a missionary -- supporting myself as I go out into the world to serve people. So, if IJM is only willing to take me for a year (or not at all!) but I've already quit my job, being able to teach English is definitely more conducive than a law degree to being able to pick up immediate employment almost anywhere. But on the other hand this thinking seems a little...faithless. If God wants me to advocate, He'll make a way for me to advocate and eat. Then again, maybe He's got ESL teaching on my distant horizon and I might as well learn to do it now while I have the resources... hmm.
Sure, if a person is called to minister by specifically teaching English, then by all means take an ESL teaching course. But if one is called to do something else, is it not an insult to God and a lack of trust to learn how to teach English as a "just in case" sort of thing?
Then again, I may still be here several more years and there are plenty of ESL ministries at the church here that I'm sure could use teachers. But then, you don't need to take a $2,500 course in order to do that... that is money I could be putting away for when I leave (don't get me started on the faithlessness of that statement! ;)
Well, I don't know.
I signed up for the course because the deadline is coming up. But I can still back out of it if it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. $2,500 is a lot of money that could be used for a lot of other things... but being able to give people the gift of English and having a teaching ministry that gives me time to spend with people spreading the gospel is mighty enticing.
Being able to speak English really is a gift. It opens so many doors. Kinda like shoes to an impoverished person. Everyone with shoes takes them for granted, until you realise that you can't get a job without a pair, but you can't get a pair without money, and you can't get money without a job...etc. Same with English if you ask me...
Hmm.
But I could take a 5 day or even a dirt cheap online course and be pretty set. Or even just get out some books from the library. Why get certified? I think I'm just addicted to accreditation. I would have been a mess during the time when apprenticeship was the thing.
Still pondering.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Shibboleth! There, I said it!
I won't go into my entire salvation story (maybe another time), but I remember that when I finally did become a believer I was terrified to tell anyone about it. Now a part of that terror was the terror of people laughing and mocking me for my faith in something that I'd once jeered at right along with them. But that didn't explain why I was terrified of even telling the people I knew were Christians.
And then again, when I wanted to be baptized and again when I wanted to become a part of a local church in a more serious way, that same terror was there.
And now again, I feel it as I contemplate letting people know about my leanings toward international missionary life.
The reason was the same for each instance -- I was worried that the people I told a) wouldn't believe I was really (saved/called by God to missions); b) would immediately administer an oral quiz on the veracity of my claim; and c) would declare me to be unsaved indeed (or uncalled, as the case may be).
Now that might seem ridiculous, but the truth of the matter is that people really do this. I have been a silent observer during conversations where people debate the salvation of someone else, or brand them as one who has "professed" but for whom the truth of the profession still remains in question. And I will say right here and now that I have done the same. I've worked with people who have said that they accepted Jesus but there's really no fruit of that decision in their lives, so you wonder whether they really understand what the Gospel means and whether they have really trusted it.
But on the other hand, I know that no one really knows my heart but God. I can sense him calling me gently and persistently to the work. I can hear His voice and see His hand in the things that have started to happen all of a sudden. But I can't communicate them to someone else who is administering this dreaded quiz.
Last week I had a conversation with someone about missionary work. This person wanted to know the story of how I had become a Christian. Its an interesting story and I love to tell a good yarn so I told her and she really enjoyed it. But at the end of my story it basically goes..."and through that research that went on over the course of those months I gradually became convinced that Jesus really was the Messiah prophesied in the Old Testament. ... ... and eventually I got saved." The End.
Now, I have often had people look at me in puzzlement at that point wondering how I got from point Y in that story to point Z. And I know its bewildering. Its not the typical story. No one led me in a prayer or took me to hear a gospel message. No one led me through the salvation verses of the Bible or dissected a hymn with me. No one encouraged me to read my own name into John 3:16 or explained to me that "whosoever meant me!"
But even more than that, I can't give you a time when -- place where -- manner how -- that I got saved. I just know that in the fall of 2001, I realised that I was wrong about who Jesus was and that over a relatively short period of time I reluctantly asked God to show me who He really was and who His Son was and the more I learned about Him, the more I realised what He had done for me and that I was saved from death and hell because of it.
So when my friend looked at me all puzzled and concerned and then said "...um...are you sure you're really saved...?" and I responded with "well, my research led me to understand that Jesus had died for my sins" you could see the light of relief come over her entire body as she said "...Oh! Okay!".
I had said the right combination of words. Like a secret password into the society.
Now, of course, I know the secret words, so I can tell all the Christians I want to that I'm a Christian because I know just what to say to assure them that yes, I really am one of you! I am in the club! Let me say "Shibboleth" and you'll see (Judges 12:6)! I've been practicing you know!
But man... it is just perplexing to me that I find myself contemplating what the new passcode is to get people to believe that I've been called to the mission field. The truth would blow them away... should I come up with a watered down and heavily edited version of it that I know will get me into the club? Of course not. I plan to bowl ahead with the truth of what God has put in my heart and shown me and trust Him to work out the details. But it terrifies me. Because I hate to disappoint people. I hate to have people think that I make these rash decisions based on my own whims and not God's just because I can't articulate properly what He's been doing to me lately.
God has always rushed upon me. I go slow and steady... and then WHOOOSH. The complacency is shattered and all the pieces get sucked out into the void to be completely re-arranged by God in His own timing.
So yes, I have been praying about missionary life since about 2008 when Sam and Elizabeth first started talking to me about being hospital administrator in Chavuma. I know that is the sort of long-term contemplation that people want to hear. It was the same with when I moved to Toronto. No one wanted to really understand how quick a decision it actually was, they wanted to hear about how my family lived there... how I'd been in New Brunswick for the last 8 years but was always hoping to return home. That is true! But I didn't seriously start planning to go until God pushed me violently to it a few months before I actually did it.
It is the same with what is going on about IJM. All of a sudden its suggested. All of a sudden the circumstances have converged to make this the ripe time to go. All of a sudden there is nothing holding me back from going. All of a sudden the desire has matured. The bars have been removed. i.e., the glass has been shattered, there's no turning back. I can hold on to my status quo for dear life, but in the end, I'm getting sucked out that window into the abyss so I might as well go with it and let God bring me.
I applied for that position with IJM. Then I was feeling pretty blue about it because I didn't know if they'd think I was qualified. But then I was reading the story of David's job interview with Saul, which if I recall correctly, went something like this:
"I'd like to apply for the position of Goliath-slayer. I think you'll find my qualifications are in order"
"Riiiiight... well, we're looking for a more mature candidate... someone with a couple more years of leadership and Goliath-slaying experience".
"Hmm. I see. Well, look. I haven't slayed any Goliaths before. Its true. But God and I together have slain a lion and a bear. And as far as leadership experience? Well, sure I've never had actual PEOPLE under me, but I've been leading the sheep for years and they can be a real handful!"
David's qualifications didn't fit the job advertisement, but God had equipped him for it anyways. He had been groomed for this moment, even though no one else knew it. And God arranged the circumstances so that Saul offered him the position despite his shaky qualifications -- because God was going to help him do the work and David's job experience really amounted to a hill of beans in the face of God's will.
If God wants me to have the job, He'll have equipped me for it and will arrange the circumstances so that the areas where I haven't had as much experience as the next guy will not bar me from being able to get the job. I know this from David's story, and I also know it from the recent story of another friend of mine who was recently offered a job and the means to do the work in the face of great personal and bureaucratic challenges. So I know God has done it in the past and I know God is doing it today. He'll show me what He wants to do with me by doing it. I just have to trust Him through it all and let him lead me. And if its not to this position, I know He'll show me just exactly what He wants me to do instead.
And when He shows me where He wants me to go, I'll go. And I'll pray about my talk with the leadership of my church and the leadership of my office, and I know God will be with their hearts as they contemplate what I've got to share with them.
I know God has started working. I've been feeling that stirred up pot sensation that I've learned to recognise as the sign of God initiating a major set of changes to my life. I've been waiting for it... like a settled pot of old broth. Stir me up, Lord. Turn the heat on, add some more ingredients, set my life to boiling so that I produce a savoury fragrance that is only for You.
In the meantime, I better go find some sheep to lead and practice my Shibboleth.
And then again, when I wanted to be baptized and again when I wanted to become a part of a local church in a more serious way, that same terror was there.
And now again, I feel it as I contemplate letting people know about my leanings toward international missionary life.
The reason was the same for each instance -- I was worried that the people I told a) wouldn't believe I was really (saved/called by God to missions); b) would immediately administer an oral quiz on the veracity of my claim; and c) would declare me to be unsaved indeed (or uncalled, as the case may be).
Now that might seem ridiculous, but the truth of the matter is that people really do this. I have been a silent observer during conversations where people debate the salvation of someone else, or brand them as one who has "professed" but for whom the truth of the profession still remains in question. And I will say right here and now that I have done the same. I've worked with people who have said that they accepted Jesus but there's really no fruit of that decision in their lives, so you wonder whether they really understand what the Gospel means and whether they have really trusted it.
But on the other hand, I know that no one really knows my heart but God. I can sense him calling me gently and persistently to the work. I can hear His voice and see His hand in the things that have started to happen all of a sudden. But I can't communicate them to someone else who is administering this dreaded quiz.
Last week I had a conversation with someone about missionary work. This person wanted to know the story of how I had become a Christian. Its an interesting story and I love to tell a good yarn so I told her and she really enjoyed it. But at the end of my story it basically goes..."and through that research that went on over the course of those months I gradually became convinced that Jesus really was the Messiah prophesied in the Old Testament. ... ... and eventually I got saved." The End.
Now, I have often had people look at me in puzzlement at that point wondering how I got from point Y in that story to point Z. And I know its bewildering. Its not the typical story. No one led me in a prayer or took me to hear a gospel message. No one led me through the salvation verses of the Bible or dissected a hymn with me. No one encouraged me to read my own name into John 3:16 or explained to me that "whosoever meant me!"
But even more than that, I can't give you a time when -- place where -- manner how -- that I got saved. I just know that in the fall of 2001, I realised that I was wrong about who Jesus was and that over a relatively short period of time I reluctantly asked God to show me who He really was and who His Son was and the more I learned about Him, the more I realised what He had done for me and that I was saved from death and hell because of it.
So when my friend looked at me all puzzled and concerned and then said "...um...are you sure you're really saved...?" and I responded with "well, my research led me to understand that Jesus had died for my sins" you could see the light of relief come over her entire body as she said "...Oh! Okay!".
I had said the right combination of words. Like a secret password into the society.
Now, of course, I know the secret words, so I can tell all the Christians I want to that I'm a Christian because I know just what to say to assure them that yes, I really am one of you! I am in the club! Let me say "Shibboleth" and you'll see (Judges 12:6)! I've been practicing you know!
But man... it is just perplexing to me that I find myself contemplating what the new passcode is to get people to believe that I've been called to the mission field. The truth would blow them away... should I come up with a watered down and heavily edited version of it that I know will get me into the club? Of course not. I plan to bowl ahead with the truth of what God has put in my heart and shown me and trust Him to work out the details. But it terrifies me. Because I hate to disappoint people. I hate to have people think that I make these rash decisions based on my own whims and not God's just because I can't articulate properly what He's been doing to me lately.
God has always rushed upon me. I go slow and steady... and then WHOOOSH. The complacency is shattered and all the pieces get sucked out into the void to be completely re-arranged by God in His own timing.
So yes, I have been praying about missionary life since about 2008 when Sam and Elizabeth first started talking to me about being hospital administrator in Chavuma. I know that is the sort of long-term contemplation that people want to hear. It was the same with when I moved to Toronto. No one wanted to really understand how quick a decision it actually was, they wanted to hear about how my family lived there... how I'd been in New Brunswick for the last 8 years but was always hoping to return home. That is true! But I didn't seriously start planning to go until God pushed me violently to it a few months before I actually did it.
It is the same with what is going on about IJM. All of a sudden its suggested. All of a sudden the circumstances have converged to make this the ripe time to go. All of a sudden there is nothing holding me back from going. All of a sudden the desire has matured. The bars have been removed. i.e., the glass has been shattered, there's no turning back. I can hold on to my status quo for dear life, but in the end, I'm getting sucked out that window into the abyss so I might as well go with it and let God bring me.
I applied for that position with IJM. Then I was feeling pretty blue about it because I didn't know if they'd think I was qualified. But then I was reading the story of David's job interview with Saul, which if I recall correctly, went something like this:
"I'd like to apply for the position of Goliath-slayer. I think you'll find my qualifications are in order"
"Riiiiight... well, we're looking for a more mature candidate... someone with a couple more years of leadership and Goliath-slaying experience".
"Hmm. I see. Well, look. I haven't slayed any Goliaths before. Its true. But God and I together have slain a lion and a bear. And as far as leadership experience? Well, sure I've never had actual PEOPLE under me, but I've been leading the sheep for years and they can be a real handful!"
David's qualifications didn't fit the job advertisement, but God had equipped him for it anyways. He had been groomed for this moment, even though no one else knew it. And God arranged the circumstances so that Saul offered him the position despite his shaky qualifications -- because God was going to help him do the work and David's job experience really amounted to a hill of beans in the face of God's will.
If God wants me to have the job, He'll have equipped me for it and will arrange the circumstances so that the areas where I haven't had as much experience as the next guy will not bar me from being able to get the job. I know this from David's story, and I also know it from the recent story of another friend of mine who was recently offered a job and the means to do the work in the face of great personal and bureaucratic challenges. So I know God has done it in the past and I know God is doing it today. He'll show me what He wants to do with me by doing it. I just have to trust Him through it all and let him lead me. And if its not to this position, I know He'll show me just exactly what He wants me to do instead.
And when He shows me where He wants me to go, I'll go. And I'll pray about my talk with the leadership of my church and the leadership of my office, and I know God will be with their hearts as they contemplate what I've got to share with them.
I know God has started working. I've been feeling that stirred up pot sensation that I've learned to recognise as the sign of God initiating a major set of changes to my life. I've been waiting for it... like a settled pot of old broth. Stir me up, Lord. Turn the heat on, add some more ingredients, set my life to boiling so that I produce a savoury fragrance that is only for You.
In the meantime, I better go find some sheep to lead and practice my Shibboleth.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Swaziland Project Preparation
I'm still back and forth about what to do about IJM and missionary work and all, but for the moment I can concentrate on planning for our short term trip to Swaziland coming up in a few short weeks!
Tina, Christina and I are heading to Nsoko Swaziland to work with youth in the village there on Discipleship, Evangelism, and Leadership. I'm still trying to work out the topics for each afternoon of ministry as well as what the practical sessions will look like when we go visiting and ministering, but I can't wait to be there and also to spend 16 days in the relaxing company of my friends away from the office.
I know it will be hot and hard work, but the thought of spending my entire time there worried about nothing but reaching these youth for Christ's kingdom on earth just thrills my soul. Yet another reason why I'm starting to believe God is about to give me marching orders to go about his business more seriously in the lives of those whom He knows need it most.
Tina, Christina and I are heading to Nsoko Swaziland to work with youth in the village there on Discipleship, Evangelism, and Leadership. I'm still trying to work out the topics for each afternoon of ministry as well as what the practical sessions will look like when we go visiting and ministering, but I can't wait to be there and also to spend 16 days in the relaxing company of my friends away from the office.
I know it will be hot and hard work, but the thought of spending my entire time there worried about nothing but reaching these youth for Christ's kingdom on earth just thrills my soul. Yet another reason why I'm starting to believe God is about to give me marching orders to go about his business more seriously in the lives of those whom He knows need it most.
To Go...or Not To Go
That is the question....argh.
I just don't know.
I have a great job that I love.
I make an excellent salary.
I have a whole host of excellent friends.
I have an excellent family.
I am near my sisters.
I have a great house.
I am part of a great church.
I have a work to do here with the youth group.
So why go?
How does defending professionals from malpractice actions fit into making the Kingdom of God a reality on Earth?
How can I sit around and enjoy my cushy life here when there are people crying out for help?
How can I ignore the fact that the perfect set of circumstances has converged to allow me to go at this time?
International Justice Mission IJM has need for legal fellows in all 14 of their field offices around the world to advocate for the defenceless.
I have no debt.
I have no dependents.
I have no family obligations.
I have nothing holding me back at all, really, except my wish to be loyal to the firm that has been so good to me.
Quit my job? Seriously? I just don't know about that.
Live by faith? No income? No savings? No long-term plan? Huh...
Its funny though, living by faith with no income really isn't the biggest fear I have. I am really more concerned with disappointing the partners at my firm than anything else. What an awful expense it will be to them to have to find another associate to take over where I left them in the lurch... I remember the last time I left a firm, in order to come here. It was awful. Sigh.
I just don't know.
Still praying about it. But it seems to keep getting pressed harder and harder into my heart with each period of contemplation.
I just don't know.
I have a great job that I love.
I make an excellent salary.
I have a whole host of excellent friends.
I have an excellent family.
I am near my sisters.
I have a great house.
I am part of a great church.
I have a work to do here with the youth group.
So why go?
How does defending professionals from malpractice actions fit into making the Kingdom of God a reality on Earth?
How can I sit around and enjoy my cushy life here when there are people crying out for help?
How can I ignore the fact that the perfect set of circumstances has converged to allow me to go at this time?
International Justice Mission IJM has need for legal fellows in all 14 of their field offices around the world to advocate for the defenceless.
I have no debt.
I have no dependents.
I have no family obligations.
I have nothing holding me back at all, really, except my wish to be loyal to the firm that has been so good to me.
Quit my job? Seriously? I just don't know about that.
Live by faith? No income? No savings? No long-term plan? Huh...
Its funny though, living by faith with no income really isn't the biggest fear I have. I am really more concerned with disappointing the partners at my firm than anything else. What an awful expense it will be to them to have to find another associate to take over where I left them in the lurch... I remember the last time I left a firm, in order to come here. It was awful. Sigh.
I just don't know.
Still praying about it. But it seems to keep getting pressed harder and harder into my heart with each period of contemplation.
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