You know, in all my contemplations about missionary life recently, I’ve been somewhat comforted by the fact that many of the things that I used to say I couldn’t live without I’ve been lately feeling as though I’ve been given the grace to get over.
For instance, I doubt there’ll be lots of philharmonic opportunities for me in the third world. Not only would I likely not be able to be a part of an orchestra, but I probably also would have to give up even the private enjoyment of playing the piano and my bass! Plus, if the neighbours aren’t gracious, I might also have to give up the piccolo and any serious pursuit of the flute! But somehow, I feel like I’m feeling okay with that. That’s grace for ya. (though I’ll admit that I know I’ll be on the lookout for a well-to-do friend with a piano in the area….)
I also am a big fan of uniquely North American food stuffs, such as lactose-free milk (don’t even talk to me about milk substitutes…how dare you even think it. Go wash your mouth out! With AlmondBreeze!) And I would miss the comfort of the beloved Canada Food Guide label which assures me that its info is more likely than not an accurate description the contents of the package in question… these are things I love. But I can handle not having them.
I would miss hearing English on a regular basis, and being able to express myself to people verbally (and culturally!) with relative ease.
I’d miss hot leisurely showers with adequate water pressure. Have you ever tried to wash dredlocks with inadequate water pressure?
Speaking of dredlocks, I’d miss knowing someone who could retighten my hair for me on a regular basis. I used to love doing my hair myself and scorn the idea of paying others, but now that I have almost 500 locks that need to be retightened every few weeks…well…what can I say. And surprisingly, sisterlocks aren’t prevalent enough -- even in Africa -- to guarantee that I’d be able to find someone who could do it outside of Canada/US.
More importantly though, I would miss being able to visit my sisters and parents at the drop of a hat. We have such a nice relationship lately its awesome! But, somehow, I think we’ll be able to find ways to deal with that. Both of my older sisters have spent extended time away from the family before and we made it work (not to mention my 8 year stint in New Brunswick!) Plus now that they’re all working, I hope they’d come to visit me and see what’s going on in the field. But that doesn’t mean it will be easy…but God’s given me grace to feel okay about this somehow.
I would definitely miss life with C &C. Its surprising how much one comes to rely on the housemate relationship for sanity and contentment. How does one get by without close camaraderie? Its not as easy to come by as I’d like. And I suppose if it were easier to come by, it wouldn’t be near so precious. Ho hum… but I think the three of us agree that we are each going to have to face that one day anyways (i.e. whether its because of a missionary call, marriage, career or whatever) so I’m learning to accept that. Any relationship involving a person, other than the relationship between a person and God, must end eventually.
But like I said, miraculously, even though this list is long and dear to me, all these things I am beginning to think I could live without. Maybe I could not have said that before, but of late I’m feeling a certain measure of grace to let go of them…graciously. Which is amazing.
But then yesterday it hit me. The one thing that may totally unhinge my world if I lost it. The one thing that God has decided not to let me let go of with the same grace. And its something I am almost guaranteed to lose if I move away from North America…
Its my car time.
Aww, don’t roll your eyes. I’m dead serious!
I mean, I’m happy enough with my car, I don’t love it to death or anything. Its nice, its blue, its paid off. I enjoy driving but its not one of my favourite pastimes in and of itself.
But my car TIME is indispensible to my happiness, personal wellbeing, spiritual sustenance, and, by extension, the sanity of those who have to deal with me! Here’s the thing: there is nowhere else in the whole world that I can sing at the top of my capacity without any thought of public censure. And you can’t imagine how much I look forward to that part of my day. Every day. Music is an indispensible part of my heart and soul. I can live without the bass and the flute, I will find a way to deal without the piano, and I can definitely handle a lack of orchestra. But give up my private singing time? I need that! Worship music just isn’t *in* me if I’m not singing it myself (I can’t just listen to it. Its not the same) and once a week at church just isn’t going to get me by.
Also, there is nowhere else I can think of, except my car, where I can have a totally natural language conversation with God with any adequate measure of privacy.
Sigh…. So unbeknownst to me, my car has apparently become my sanctuary and my altar. I don’t know what on Earth I would do without it.
This is a problem. Not insurmountable of course. But it really did give me actual literal pause yesterday in the middle of the street as I headed toward my car, looking forward to my sanity-providing drive home from orchestra rehearsal. That’s when it hit me that I may not always have this… It rocked my world just a little bit.
But it makes sense to me that God would appreciate it if I lay this little thing down for Him without the grace. Without the aspirin-like ease of the pain that He’s given me to deal with the other more serious things on my list. Without His help for some of those big things, I might not be able to handle the degree of loss and would veto the idea of missionary life before I got started. What I mean is, He’s been gracious to me in that even though I take note of the great loss associated with each of those big things, He’s blessed me to not feel the huge sense of loss I normally would so that I am equipped to keep going forward in prayer about it and intending to obey Him in it if He does say to go.
Not so with the car time. It may seem minor to others, but you have to understand that its important to me. If music isn’t your thing, maybe you don’t get how serious I am about that. But I am serious. And God, in His wisdom, has seen fit to let me feel the prospect of this particular loss very keenly. Totally different from the way He’s kept me from feeling overwhelmed by the loss of the bigger things on my list. And I think that’s amazing and I think He’s done that for a reason.
As important to me as my private car time is to me, it is not as important to me as doing the will of my Father. If He’s given me grace for everything else I can think of but this one thing so that I can intend to sacrifice it willingly to Him and feel acutely the loss that is involved with that act, then I feel singularly blessed by Him for the honour. Sacrifice is meaningless if it doesn’t cost anything. Maybe He knew I wouldn’t be able to handle sacrificing the other things without His grace to help. But with this one thing… He knew I could bear this for Him. And I want Him to know that I will.
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