Shibboleth! There, I said it!

I won't go into my entire salvation story (maybe another time), but I remember that when I finally did become a believer I was terrified to tell anyone about it. Now a part of that terror was the terror of people laughing and mocking me for my faith in something that I'd once jeered at right along with them. But that didn't explain why I was terrified of even telling the people I knew were Christians.

And then again, when I wanted to be baptized and again when I wanted to become a part of a local church in a more serious way, that same terror was there.

And now again, I feel it as I contemplate letting people know about my leanings toward international missionary life.

The reason was the same for each instance -- I was worried that the people I told a) wouldn't believe I was really (saved/called by God to missions); b) would immediately administer an oral quiz on the veracity of my claim; and c) would declare me to be unsaved indeed (or uncalled, as the case may be).

Now that might seem ridiculous, but the truth of the matter is that people really do this. I have been a silent observer during conversations where people debate the salvation of someone else, or brand them as one who has "professed" but for whom the truth of the profession still remains in question. And I will say right here and now that I have done the same. I've worked with people who have said that they accepted Jesus but there's really no fruit of that decision in their lives, so you wonder whether they really understand what the Gospel means and whether they have really trusted it.

But on the other hand, I know that no one really knows my heart but God. I can sense him calling me gently and persistently to the work. I can hear His voice and see His hand in the things that have started to happen all of a sudden. But I can't communicate them to someone else who is administering this dreaded quiz.

Last week I had a conversation with someone about missionary work. This person wanted to know the story of how I had become a Christian. Its an interesting story and I love to tell a good yarn so I told her and she really enjoyed it. But at the end of my story it basically goes..."and through that research that went on over the course of those months I gradually became convinced that Jesus really was the Messiah prophesied in the Old Testament. ... ... and eventually I got saved." The End.

Now, I have often had people look at me in puzzlement at that point wondering how I got from point Y in that story to point Z. And I know its bewildering. Its not the typical story. No one led me in a prayer or took me to hear a gospel message. No one led me through the salvation verses of the Bible or dissected a hymn with me. No one encouraged me to read my own name into John 3:16 or explained to me that "whosoever meant me!"

But even more than that, I can't give you a time when -- place where -- manner how -- that I got saved. I just know that in the fall of 2001, I realised that I was wrong about who Jesus was and that over a relatively short period of time I reluctantly asked God to show me who He really was and who His Son was and the more I learned about Him, the more I realised what He had done for me and that I was saved from death and hell because of it.

So when my friend looked at me all puzzled and concerned and then said "...um...are you sure you're really saved...?" and I responded with "well, my research led me to understand that Jesus had died for my sins" you could see the light of relief come over her entire body as she said "...Oh! Okay!".

I had said the right combination of words. Like a secret password into the society.

Now, of course, I know the secret words, so I can tell all the Christians I want to that I'm a Christian because I know just what to say to assure them that yes, I really am one of you! I am in the club! Let me say "Shibboleth" and you'll see (Judges 12:6)! I've been practicing you know!

But man... it is just perplexing to me that I find myself contemplating what the new passcode is to get people to believe that I've been called to the mission field. The truth would blow them away... should I come up with a watered down and heavily edited version of it that I know will get me into the club? Of course not. I plan to bowl ahead with the truth of what God has put in my heart and shown me and trust Him to work out the details. But it terrifies me. Because I hate to disappoint people. I hate to have people think that I make these rash decisions based on my own whims and not God's just because I can't articulate properly what He's been doing to me lately.

God has always rushed upon me. I go slow and steady... and then WHOOOSH. The complacency is shattered and all the pieces get sucked out into the void to be completely re-arranged by God in His own timing.

So yes, I have been praying about missionary life since about 2008 when Sam and Elizabeth first started talking to me about being hospital administrator in Chavuma. I know that is the sort of long-term contemplation that people want to hear. It was the same with when I moved to Toronto. No one wanted to really understand how quick a decision it actually was, they wanted to hear about how my family lived there... how I'd been in New Brunswick for the last 8 years but was always hoping to return home. That is true! But I didn't seriously start planning to go until God pushed me violently to it a few months before I actually did it.

It is the same with what is going on about IJM. All of a sudden its suggested. All of a sudden the circumstances have converged to make this the ripe time to go. All of a sudden there is nothing holding me back from going. All of a sudden the desire has matured. The bars have been removed. i.e., the glass has been shattered, there's no turning back. I can hold on to my status quo for dear life, but in the end, I'm getting sucked out that window into the abyss so I might as well go with it and let God bring me.

I applied for that position with IJM. Then I was feeling pretty blue about it because I didn't know if they'd think I was qualified. But then I was reading the story of David's job interview with Saul, which if I recall correctly, went something like this:

"I'd like to apply for the position of Goliath-slayer. I think you'll find my qualifications are in order"

"Riiiiight... well, we're looking for a more mature candidate... someone with a couple more years of leadership and Goliath-slaying experience".

"Hmm. I see. Well, look. I haven't slayed any Goliaths before. Its true. But God and I together have slain a lion and a bear. And as far as leadership experience? Well, sure I've never had actual PEOPLE under me, but I've been leading the sheep for years and they can be a real handful!"

David's qualifications didn't fit the job advertisement, but God had equipped him for it anyways. He had been groomed for this moment, even though no one else knew it. And God arranged the circumstances so that Saul offered him the position despite his shaky qualifications -- because God was going to help him do the work and David's job experience really amounted to a hill of beans in the face of God's will. 

If God wants me to have the job, He'll have equipped me for it and will arrange the circumstances so that the areas where I haven't had as much experience as the next guy will not bar me from being able to get the job. I know this from David's story, and I also know it from the recent story of another friend of mine who was recently offered a job and the means to do the work in the face of great personal and bureaucratic challenges. So I know God has done it in the past and I know God is doing it today. He'll show me what He wants to do with me by doing it. I just have to trust Him through it all and let him lead me. And if its not to this position, I know He'll show me just exactly what He wants me to do instead.

And when He shows me where He wants me to go, I'll go. And I'll pray about my talk with the leadership of my church and the leadership of my office, and I know God will be with their hearts as they contemplate what I've got to share with them.

I know God has started working. I've been feeling that stirred up pot sensation that I've learned to recognise as the sign of God initiating a major set of changes to my life. I've been waiting for it... like a settled pot of old broth. Stir me up, Lord. Turn the heat on, add some more ingredients, set my life to boiling so that I produce a savoury fragrance that is only for You. 

In the meantime, I better go find some sheep to lead and practice my Shibboleth.